I have always thought that I am a forgiving person because I can’t seem to recall most unhappy events. However, after reading several articles on interpersonal conflicts recently, I believe that I never really confront them. I simply choose to ignore. The incident described below happened between me and a friend. I am glad to say that we have truly reconciled.
Ailey and I were school mates during high school. Although we weren’t in the same class, the rivalry between us was evident to all. She singled me out as her sole competitor. I never knew her reasons for doing so although I suspect it had to do with my close relationships with my teachers and peers. She was always checking out my results from the teachers and would declare her challenge to score better than me openly to everyone we knew. It didn’t help that our classes were small where everyone knew one another, even when we weren’t from the same class. Naturally, news travelled fast. When it reached me, I was appalled. Nonetheless, I remained nonchalant. I only started reacting to her challenges when she belittled some of my friends who were also her classmates. She would scoff at people who scored lower or those who didn’t have the answers to every question. Both of us never had a relationship to begin with. Moreover, due to her attitude, I sort of held some resentment towards her. Although I didn’t do anything mean to her, I never showed her any kindness either. On hindsight, I think it was pride that made me act cool towards her and never greeted her even when we occasionally met along the corridor. I was obsessed with winning. I didn’t want her to challenge my status. It was simply because of that resentment and pride, we filled ourselves with revulsion and never so much as looked into one another’s eyes even after graduation.
It was just three months ago when a teacher from my meditation class asked me to make peace with someone I haven’t talked to for many years. After a long struggle, I decided to send her a message on Facebook to find out how she was doing. Luckily for me, she replied and we have been contacting each other occasionally ever since.
It was extremely awkward to initiate a connection, especially when we did not begin on a friendly note but I figured that there wasn’t anything to lose. Now, I feel grateful for making a new friend and ending this ridiculous rivalry. It all happened because I was too proud to let her win. I could have avoided it should I acted more rationally.
So, I personally think that I let my pride got the better of me. What would you have done if you were in the same situation?
Putting myself in that position in high school, I would have probably responded differently. I would have confronted her, to get to the bottom of the reasons behind the rivalry. Of course, the outcome of that talk could vary from the resolving of a misunderstanding to a more intensified rivalry.
ReplyDeleteIt is very difficult to be in control of all your emotions especially in high school. But the commendable thing you did was, when you did achieve that, you put your pride aside and ended a ridiculous rivalry. There are many ways in which your relationship with Ailey could have gone. As I see it, you are now at peace and have learnt a lesson about yourself, in handling interpersonal conflicts.
Ning, I really appreciate the journey described in this post, from the serious rift you had with Ailey to your recent reconciliation. You also describe the context and the conflict well, with fine detail. What is missing here is the sense of drama, and the task-setting for your reader that is part of the assignment. You do ask a question, but you have, in a very real sense, already provided an answer. How might you have presented this and NOT given away the eventual resolution?
ReplyDeleteDear Arij,
ReplyDeleteThanks for your input. I really appreciate it. Anyway, I didn't bother to confront Ailey because I didn't think she was a threat to me. In fact, her attitude made her a common enemy to every one in school. I decided make reconciliation because I wanted to be able to face my weakness, which is my pride.
Dear Brad,
Thanks for your comments. I think I understand what you mean by 'lack of a sense of drama' after reading your most recent blog post on conflicts. I suppose I could have mentioned that we made peace but not to let my readers know how we did it exactly. Would that help?
Hi Ning,
ReplyDeleteWe have so similar experience that I must share with you.
I stayed in the same class with same classmates for six years from junior high to senior high. I was nearly the one with the worse academic performance in our class when I first entered junior high.
Five years later I caught up with the top student and even went beyond him. He seemed to realize the challenge and acted against me. He challenged me in front of the public for several times and I tolerated his aggressive behavior.
After graduation, once on our high school class's reunion party, he apologized to me.
I have to admit I can never build a close relationship with him even I forgave him.
Yep, that would help, Ning....or you could describe it even without the making peace bit.
ReplyDelete